When expectations are not met, disappointment is afforded the opportunity to grow.
We must not give it an opportunity. Expectations in a relationship and not bad. In fact expectations as a whole are not a bad thing, often we hail them as being very dangerous and to stay away. Then too often we walk into something unprepared and naïve.
The problem is when our ideals of expectation are held too highly, or to tightly.
When we expect somebody to apologise for a wrong we feel, and they don't..
When we expect a friend to offer encouragement when we are down, and they don't call.
When we expect somebody to remember our birthday... and they forget!
Now all of these are not bad expectations, yet if we hold them too high, we value the outcome over the person, and over the relationship. When the outcome is not met, the relationship suffers as tension begins to grow.
If I expect you to make me feel better when I am sad, I will be disappointed.
There may be times when you do help me, but the thing is this. When I feel sad, it's my problem. I cannot expect you to fix my problems. I cannot expect you, to make me feel good, when I feel bad. Because it is not fair to you.
We have all seen that relationship where co-dependancy reigns. One person needs to feel strong, and the other to feel secure, so they end up in this curious cycle of trauma and tragedy, where one always has a problem, and the other is always running to them.
It's sad.
Because they are both going to be disappointed and hurt, and there is no chance for a multiplication of their lives, when all they energy is going into each other so that they can feel ok. There's no way that they are going to change the world.
If I am feeling insecure, it is unfair of me to expect you to make yourself less for me to feel better. Yet how many marriages have we seen this in. (Men we need to stand up and stop making women feel like they have to be less around us so that we feel ok about ourselves, don't you know that the glory of your wife is the jewel on your crown?).
I need to deal with my insecurity. You can be apart of that solution, yet once again, when I place the responsibility on you, and not on me, then we have a problem. God alone can fix most of these, and He won't change me fully through you. He wants to deal with me directly.
When we have expectations of another, that are not shared with them, then disunity, miscommunication, and disappointment occurs. Each of these is deadly to a relationship of any kind. Not only that, but incredible damage can be done, as where intimacy is found, so is the potential for hurt. In fact the greater the level of intimacy, the greater the potential for devastating hurt.
Often we rationalise this as, well we are just really close so I can do whatever I want tot them or say anything. How does that work? Your barbs will hurt the most!
I say all of this as one who is still going through this, and have made these mistakes more often that I can count, yet the first step to a greater life is having the tools to be successful.
Let me leave you with this, How how you let expectations in your relationships lead you, and have they been healthy or not healthy?
Peace.
Daniel